I mean, the title says it all. And I’m not going to be polite about it either. 2023 was pretty miserable and 2024 managed to be equally shitty in different ways. In just December alone:

• The house I’m currently living at has not had wifi since December 11
• A traffic cop harassed me on my way home from work one night for driving the exact same speed as everyone else, I just had the audacity to have a worse-looking car
• Somehow, three people with more seniority than me wanted to work a cashier position
• My seasonal employment ended and I’m unemployed again as a result of the above

Meanwhile, I can feel my cognitive abilities slipping away from me more and more with each passing day. I can’t focus like I used to, I forget words for the concepts I want to convey. I used to be so smart.

All this is to say, progress on my personal projects is at a standstill while I’m trying to survive. Like, don’t get me wrong, I definitely don’t have it completely bad. I’m not homeless, I’m happily divorced now, and I’m on a cocktail of medication that works; these things combined still aren’t enough to create an environment that’s conducive to creative work. I cannot meditate or spreadsheet my way out of pitch deck rejections, let alone job rejections for the most basic bitches of jobs.

Sometimes, I really do feel like I would be more palatable if I detransitioned. So many applications still only offer “Male” and “Female”, with the occasional “I prefer not to disclose,” even if that company is supposedly LGBTQ+ friendly. I have conversations about my therapist about this, how I know people are treating me like a cis man on applications to deny me support, then turning around and treating me like a cis woman when they want to disrespect or belittle me. I also have conversations with my therapist about wanting to admit myself to a mental hospital because I feel like I’m losing my fucking mind trying to stay above water, but we both know I’m having perfectly logical reactions to being unemployed and turned away from resources that are supposedly for people like me.

“But… surely you have accomplishments you want to talk about before the year ends?” I suppose so. Even if no one running an awards show will acknowledge it, I know that the team and I who made Good Lord! Everyone at the Reunion For My Religious All-Girls School Is a Trans Man… And They’re Hot?! did important work making a game that people sorely needed to have exist. And even if Patreon shut me down for talking about it, I won’t be ashamed of CUTTING/EDGE.

I just wish I could say more positive things about progress on Blood & Play.

I am not optimistic about 2025. I was not optimistic about 2024 either. But the dread I feel entering the new year is worse than it has been in years’ past. I will be moving once again to a new place in hopes of escaping a landlord who watches those stupid shows which show footage of cops arresting civilians, but there’s too much uncertainty in the air to say whether life will take a break from being horrible.

“Survive ’til 2025”? We’re nearly there assholes. Now what?

Tags: Year in Review